Future Planning

Planning is a weird thing. Generally speaking, I tend to be a person who plans out everything in detail, complete with contingencies and back-ups. This is all done with the knowledge that despite however many hours, how much detail and how much dedication I pour into my plans they're never going to be quite right. I try to think things through in advance, but then lo and behold something new comes along. What's worse, sometimes exactly what I planned for comes along.

I've gotten back onto the job application train. For those counting, this train is now at 150 applications with one phone interview. Whoo whoo. Recently, I've revamped my resume into a new format and I've started using a new cover letter format. Consequently, I've convinced myself that this was the change needed to turn it all around. However, there was a three week hiatus where I did not apply for anything as I was frantically filling out last second grad school applications. One of them has already gotten back to me with a heartfelt "HAHAHAno." What I had told myself, and what I had told my friends and family was that even if hell froze over and I was accepted to a Master's program I would still be applying to jobs right up until day 1. Now I've started to question that.

The funny thing about planning for the future is that you get excited. On paper, UPEI having a stroke and accepting me would appear to be the worst thing ever. Moving to a small city on the other side of the country, signing another lease, enjoying geographic and social isolation all in exchange for a degree that has questionable merit from a professional standpoint? This looks like a raw deal. Yet, for some reason I really really want to. Getting hired in Calgary? On paper, the best thing ever. I could actually make money instead of hemorrhaging cash. I wouldn't have to move. I wouldn't have to reboot socially. I'd be near family. Yet somehow, while I remain hopeful for this possibility, it doesn't seem like the golden ticket to a magical chocolate factory that I had envisioned.

Do I miss university? Apparently yes. Except that I categorically despised large chunks of it.

Right now, I suspect my worse fear is actually that both dreams might come true. An employer AND a graduate committee might think that I am competent. If it came down to it, I don't know which I'd choose. An improved version of what I do now? Or blowing it all up and starting again for a year? I know one of those is good, but the other keeps winking at me and promising impossible things.

The worst part of all of this, this planning, this fear, this hope, this excitement is that all of it, every detail is reliant on someone I have never met reading 800 words about me and determining whether or not I deserve a chance. Despite my best efforts, I can't plan for that.